Yes, we’re going there. It’s a subject that most people avoid, especially when discussing birth. There is potential for death is all birth settings: hospitals, birth centers, home birth, free birth. According to the CDC, around 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States. Death indeed has a seat at the birth table. Birth and death are not separate. I see them as sacred twins. One does not exist without the other. It’s time for us to start normalizing and making peace with death as part of the birth process.

What is your relationship to death? This is a question we should all be asking ourselves, especially in todays ever changing landscape. Death comes in various forms. There is physical death, energetic/shamanic deaths, journey into the underworld, dark nights of the soul etc. Contending with death was a huge part of the spiritual work involved in preparing for my freebirth. As I reflected on my life, there are several experiences that come to mind that helped shape my relationship to death. I am by no means an expert. I am still very much a student of the earthly death/birth cycles. I fully recognize that’s one of the main reasons I’m here on Earth~ To learn from Her cycles. I share my experiences with death below to hopefully shine a light for you as you contemplate your own experiences.

My First Date with Death

My first intimate meeting with death was when I was 9 years old. I watched my father die (who would later come back to life). My family was vacationing at a rustic cabin on a lake in northern Wisconsin when my dad endured a severe asthma attack. He was walking alone outside, likely trying to make it to one of us, when he collapsed to the ground. We later found him unconscious and not breathing, and white as a ghost with ice cold, blue lips. Flies gathered on and around his body. I remember sensing death for the first time. The air was thick and the veil was thin. Everything moved slowly. “Death is here,” I thought to myself. As a child, I could sense my dad’s was elsewhere during this time. I sat next to him, quietly swatting flies away as we awaited the arrival of the paramedics.

On the way to the hospital, my mother was told he would likely be “DOA” or dead on arrival.

I awaited my mother’s return at the cabin with my brother and parents’ friends. This was before cell phones, so communication was scarce. Day turned to night. Still no word. I didn’t sleep that night. I imagined my life without my father’s presence.

To my surprise, late the next morning, my mother returned- with my father. He was ALIVE.

I remember my father slept much of that day. When he was ready, he sat in an armchair while I as at his feet, and he shared about his meeting with death, how he had seen “the light,” but knew it wasn’t time yet. It all fascinated me so much. That experience gifted my dad with a new outlook on life. He promised us he would never take anything for granted. Waves of gratitude flowed through him like never before.

DMT- The Spirit Molecule

In my late teenage years, I became acquainted with N,N-DMT, a naturally occurring psychoactive substance found in over 65 species of plants, as well as within the human body. It has been theorized that DMT is produced within the pineal gland (third eye) of the brain.

With the aid of N,N-DMT and Ayahuasca, I began to journey between the thresholds that separates the worlds. During a few particularly intense experiences, this substance showed me death. I experienced my own death and quite literally, left my body. Observing my lifeless corpse on a hospital bed, I transcended this human experience. A rainbow light tunnel made of infinite womb eyes dripping with warm golden liquid. I was met by Beings who told me to “Go back. It’s not your time yet.” No matter how "far” I went or what kind of experience it was, death always felt good when I surrendered to it. Warm, fluid, infinite, Love. There aren’t really any words to describe my experiences in this realm.

Death at Home

When I was 20, I took a summer job as an in-home hospice caregiver. My first assignment was was a 52 year man with pancreatic cancer. We shared meals, played games, listened to music. I assisted him bathing and toileting. We really got along quite nicely. Eventually he started refusing to leave his bed. Now confined to just his bedroom, I would offer him sponge baths and massages as we watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. He talked less and less as the days rolled on. Soon, I was just massaging his legs in shared silence. He became so frail and thin. His skin was like tissue paper. Then one day while I was massaging him he said softly, “Okay Julie, I think it’s time for me to go now.”

Nothing prepares one for this moment. I had been trained in all the “signs” of death. Breathing sounds like clanking marbles. Often times, the mind is the first to let go, followed by the body. The mind may hold on while still communicating between the worlds.

I asked him if he would like me to hold his hand. He kindly declined and simply requested that I removed the pillows out from under his head and neck.

After making a few phone calls to his family and the agency I worked for, I took a seat by his side. Just witnessing him, sitting in our familiar quietude.

The sound of his breath changed and he began to struggle. I could tell the process was becoming painful. He began speaking to his wife who had already passed years ago. I would occasionally speak to him, saying things like “It is safe to let go.” His awareness of my presence was lessening.

It was a few hours later that he let go completely while surrounded by his loved ones. I am so grateful to have witnessed an undisturbed, unmedicated death at home. Like birth, death is intimate, sacred, primal, and beautiful when left to unfold in its natural way.

This was an initiation for me. From this point on, I became fascinated by our ENTRANCE and EXIT of this world.

Medicalized Death

After college, I worked as a CNA (certified nurse assistant) while I completed my prerequisites to start nursing school. At the time, I thought that was my path. While working at a skilled nursing facility, I witnessed many deaths. This was a place where people went to die. I became the CNA they would call to help tend to the body before preparing for transport. I didn’t mind it for the most part. It was harder when it was a patient I had developed a close relationship with. These deaths were often long because the mind would hold on. Many people would pass without their loved ones present. I could sense most of them felt alone, and craved human connection and touch. It was heart breaking to witness the mistreatment of our elderly. How wrong we have it, I often thought.

Studying with a Corpse

While in graduate school, I spent every Thursday evening in the basement of the Health Science building, hands deep in a cadaver. Names and occupations were listed next to the bodies. The face was often left covered to keep it from feeling “too personal.” Many students chose to smear Vicks VapoRub under their noses to disguise the smell of the embalming chemicals and dead flesh. After pairing up with another classmate, we were assigned the cadaver we’d be spending the next few hours with.

I felt mostly numb while I was there. The lifeless corpse just felt like a vacant shell. There were indications left of the Soul that once inhabited it: tattoos, scars, finger nail polish, missing teeth, and holes from body piercing. Nothing about it every felt “gross.” I appreciated these bodies so much. Afterwards I would return home to integrate the experience with my now husband, Ben. All the feelings would come to the surface. I felt sad that this was the fate for these bodies. To me, they all deserved a proper ceremony to memorialized. I also felt sheer awe at the intricate human design. We are such advanced beings! I honestly felt more connected to God/Source than ever before as I studied the inner-workings of this genius human design.

Close Encounters

When Ben and I first started dating, he experienced a close encounter to death. Much of this story is not mine to tell. I will say that he spent several days in the ICU, unresponsive, and on a ventilator. The outlook was grim. We were in our early twenties and had met each other in the Underworld. We didn’t know much, but we knew of our love for one another was the strongest love we had ever encountered. This near death experience changed him and ultimately changed the course of our lives together. We were gifted many blessings through this death and rebirth. I journeyed with him to the depths and we rose from the ashes anew. Death portals are powerful initiations. I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything.

Welcoming Death

The deaths I have most experience with are within myself.

The more you resist the suffering, the more painful it is.

I am midwife of Death. I have fears, but I’m not afraid. The Descent is a powerful initiation that we are all being asked to take currently in the collective. It is how we merge more fully with the Earth. Death strips us of all that we thought we were. Our hearts are ripped open to the human experience. We become naked and needing nothing. We drop everything to go into nothingness. We rest in neutrality and stillness.

Death and Birth weave seamlessly in a co-creative dance together. I am here the paradox and mystery.

I am here for you.

Let’s Dance.